What is it about the holidays that can bring out the very best in total strangers but also the very worst to those we should be respectful to? Blame it on traditions, family values or what have you, but the winter holidays can often be less than idealist when it comes to family. Here are a few pointers on how to keep sane while you’re singing “Silent Night.”
Expectations: It’s All Smoke and Mirrors
Do you dread certain holiday TV commercials that feature large gatherings of relatives who just adore each other? You know, the ones where the table is filled with an overabundance of food, the children are angelic cherubs and the house is tastefully decorated. There’s a reason for that. They’re not real. Advertising works because the advertiser is not just trying to sell you a product, but also a mood. Without even thinking, we may begin thinking, “Why can’t my family act like the one in the refrigerated dough commercial?” Stop right there. They’re actors and they are getting paid to get along.
Don’t Share Every Thought You’re Having
While you might dread being this year’s host family for the annual family celebration, you’ll only make things worse if you start off weeks ahead of time grumbling to your spouse about it. Saying phrases like “I just don’t look forward to having them here” or “I can’t wait to hear what your mother has to say about this…” won’t help anything. It’s perfectly okay to have feelings and it’s okay to express them within reason, but avoid going overboard. The only thing you’ll end up doing is either making your spouse get defensive about his family and angry toward you or you’ll make them feel bad about their terrible parents. Either way, you lose.
Support the Home Team
Regardless of what happens, remember to keep your marriage and your core family intact during family gatherings. Avoid the temptation to join in on the “teasing” of your spouse’s cooking, side with your parents when you know that it will infuriate your mate or allow behavior that would normally be unacceptable in your household. At the same time, don’t try so hard to keep the peace. Oftentimes when one is trying to please everyone, they will end up pleasing no one. Remember the one you have to share the bed with after everyone leaves.
Give the Control Freak the Day Off
In this case, the freak is yourself. You won’t be able to control everyone and everything that happens, so don’t allow yourself to make unspoken and unreasonable demands of others. Instead of trying to prepare every dish yourself, ask your in-laws to bring a dessert. Most people want to contribute to a meal or do some of the work, so figure out a task that will keep them busy and you more comfortable. Don’t ask them to watch the kids or “just relax” while you continue to do all the work yourself.
Don’t Be a Door Mat
You don’t have to pretend to not see when your nieces or nephews or acting up even if their own parents fail to. This is your home and they should respect it just as you would in their home. When said niece or nephew jumps on your sofa, tell them “we don’t jump on the furniture in our house.” When they reply, “Mom and dad let us do it at home.” Calmly state, “This isn’t your home,” and then seek out your siblings for back up.
Turn the Other Cheek
Some relatives can’t help themselves when it comes to criticizing you, your kids, yours spouse or other family members who aren’t even joining you for the meal at hand. Do your best to change the subject or suggest that you discuss the issue at another time. If they continue, calmly state that the conversation is becoming uncomfortable or hurtful and that you’d like to switch subjects. Then shrug it off, smile and continue on. Do your best not to engage or you’ll just make things worse.
Game Over
There is nothing wrong with setting a range of time for your family festivities giving a start and ending time. Though it’s not usual, it might help everyone keep their cool for the designated time. If things get too out of hand, allow yourself to tell your company that it is time that they go home.
Happy Holidays!
Latest posts by Jeff Totey, Dad's Pop Life and Northwest Entertainment & Lifestyle Contributing Columnist (see all)
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